Saturday, April 25, 2015

Dear future partner,

I've seen these requirements posts floating around and I thought I would do one. What I am looking for in a partner (I like men and women equally) might not be what everyone else generally wants.

1. My first love language is Quality Time:
Spending quality time with me. This one is just under priority of acts of service. Doesn't have to be a date and honestly hate wasting money on silly things. But I am easy to please and if you are by my side I am generally happy. But don't just sit on a couch all day playing games with me in the house awkwardly sitting beside you. I love video games and most that I play are multiplayer. I'm also into going and trying new things. I want to be more active and social. Let's do things together! 


2. My second, after a lot of thought, is Words of Affirmation:
I love to give and receive this one. I do my best to always give but noticing a lack of receiving. I was lying in bed and started thinking of all the people I have dated. All but two never told me I was pretty without me asking first. Very few would acknowledge or thank me for things I did. Makes me sad. So thank you Richard and 홍규, my two long distance relationships. I just want to find someone who thinks I am the best thing for them and tells me and uplifts me.

3. Everyone is all of them but some more then others. Here they are to me in order of importance. 
Service: If I fall in love with you, I will do almost everything to make you happy. But some help with daily/weekly chores or errands goes along way. Show me how much you care by helping me (don't take over if I'm doing something and you want to help. Then help.). This isn't just chores, could be a project I'm working on or help with something I'm struggling with. Show me you think I'm your equal.
Touch: Now this one is and isn't important. As much as I LOVE hugs, kisses and holding hands and cuddles, if I get at least a hug and a kiss everyday then I will be happy. I will shower you with as many as you want/can handle haha. 
Gifts: I love to give gifts. But feel awkward getting them if they are too big. Simple little "I was thinking of you" gifts are great! Like your out shopping and see ... My favorite kind of pocky and get me a box. Or handmade/thoughtful gifts are the best. But by all means I am not saying this has to be a daily or even monthly thing. It's last on my list, because yes it's nice but not important to me. 

4. Compromise and Accept: I have challenges, medical and mental. Someone who can understand and possibly compromise if outcomes don't work out. As mentioned before, if I fall in love with you, I'm in it 100% and will do my best to make you happy even if I compromise a lot in the beginning. 

So simply. Tell me I'm pretty and say thank you and or be grateful for my efforts. Help me out and be my equal. Do things with me even if it's a walk. You don't have to tell me you love me, just show me and a thoughtful gesture here and there is always welcomed. And understand my challenges and try to accept them. 

Seems easy, but hard to find ....

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Games and Self Worth

So to try and get away from how nasty the world can be sometimes, I play video games. As anyone who knows me, I like fantasy. Final Fantasy. And what better game then one with a whole bunch of other people who love FF playing together and making memories! Above is a quick sketch of my Scholar (healer). I was a TaruTaru/Lalafell (midget) before but Mithra/Miquote (cat girl) are easier to cosplay (dress up) later on.

I have come to love this character and all the stuff I have accomplished with her. I may color and finish it later but for now I like it as a sketch. I am also impressed with how my art style is changing for the better it seems. I can still do a total anime style if I like but still working on the realistic side. However, I feel I am heading in the right direction.

Not being in a relationship has its good and bad points I suppose. I give 100% when in one I am happy in which leaves not a lot left for myself but I make it work. When I am single I am depressed but tend to focus on myself more. Win/loose.

It has been awhile since drawing something I really like instead of tattoo art. It was nice. I wish more people accepted digital drawn art. I show my work to people and they ask how I did it and when I say Photoshop they assume its just manipulation. NO, I have a drawing tablet and instead of cutting down trees and using a ton of supplies, I have it all free, in front of me on a easier to use and better for my hands and wrist digital format. Mistakes are easier to fix and no longer mean that an almost finished painting gets water on it and ruins it. Don't get me wrong, I love traditional art as well. I like the look of it better to be honest, But from a talent point of view, I see no difference.

Anyways rant over.
Love you all <3

P.S. some pictures from my FF memories.
 Taru King and myself!
 Fishing!
 Hotspring
 Lantern Festival
 oh man that hideous top I had to wear for 5 levels.....

 Crystal Tower Story was the best so far

 Fun at the beach with my friends
 more Crystal Tower Stuff
 What my character looks like right now (got new gear!)
 What she used to look like....
 Aw yeah.... glowing book
 Friends got married! Then left the server ; ;
 Chilling at Lina's house
Good Night!

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Ramblings of the Hopless

Why?
You broke me to not hurt me.
Confusion,
Anger,
Pain,
Sadness.
What did I really do wrong?
Was there no way to fix it?
Was there no feelings at all?
If there was not,
Thank you for not crushing me later down the road.
If there was,
am I not worth it?
I knew the path I was on with you.
Accepted,
Sacrificed,
Opened my walls.
I did not mind.
I would have waited a lifetime.
If only to share with you,
How amazing it feels to be with you.
So please enlighten me how it is not fair,
That the small sacrifice of waiting,
Is more hurtful than this earth shattering sadness I have right now.
If my only fault was loving you,
Then I will move on if you not longer wish for me.
Lets stay close,
So I do not stray into the darkness.
I will forever hold a piece of you in my heart,
Even if the tears try to wash it away.

I love you.

So now that's out of the way. My trip to Maui was eventful to say the least. The best parts for me were the road to Hana, seeing the look on my niece's face as we when to get "tattoos" (hena) like aunty, eating more then I should have in gelato (soooo frikken good) and getting the start of my tattoo sleeve done for an awesome price. Some of the bad: too much beach time, Sunburns, sleeping on the floor, and my dad being rushed to the hospital. Both parents are still in Hawaii. My dad is recovering fast and we hope to see them home soon.

The poem is for what happened when I got home. I missed 2 things. My bed and my boyfriend.
I don't want to go into details. I am just very depressed and confused. I have amazing friends and family who are being so supportive right now.
Anyways I will post the link to the photos from the trip soon.

Love you all.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

New stuff

So this is the picture that I painted for my newest tattoos I did on my feet. 

This new year is looking promising. I've finally started to clean up the negative and garbage in my life and I am actually starting to feel genuinely happy again. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore, that I was trapped in a nightmare caused from my own issues. 

I have since free'd myself from enough of those chains that I can breathe and start to think clearly again. It has opened my world to new opportunities, friendships and dare I say, love?

I feel 2015 will be the start of a new me. A better version of what I used to be (when I loved myself) blended with who I ideally want to be. 

I was asked what my greatest accomplishment was ... And I couldn't answer. What HAVE I actually accomplished? I get so lazy and unfocused I don't ever seem to stick to any one thing, or take forever to finish it. 

My resolution this year is to focus. Even if that means being taught how. 

I have also surprisingly added another 'distraction' to my plate. This one in the form of an amazing person that fills me with joy and is teaching me to let go, love and enjoy myself. 

Online dating is hard but I have met many amazing men and women through it and now have some sweet friends. However, the place I actually meet this person is at a housewarming party playing games and talking about online dating haha. Go figure. 

Anyways. I am sure there will be more about this person in later posts but for now I will try to get some sleep as I lay awake thinking about my future and my current happiness. 

Goodnight beautiful people, you are amazing. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

New things

 There is beauty even in the ugliest weeds.

Being in a relationship can be rewarding and hard, but so is being on your own.

I am finding this out.
A lot is happening to me all at once, most bad but some good has come from it as well.

October started with the rather horrible fall out of my employer/client. He didn't seem to trust me to do my job and so nasty things were said and we parted ways (we have since apologized to each other and I feel meeting up again in the future would be pleasant). I had expected this anyways and had another job lined up.

The night after my first day of that job I had broken with my boyfriend of almost 3 years in a rather horrible way as well and found out a childhood friends mother had passed of MS literally an hour after the break-up. While I had been on the fence about the break-up, the news of the death was bittersweet, she no longer is suffering but its sad to see her gone. I am by no means religious but I send my thoughts to my friend and her family. <3 you Kayla, you will always be my sister.

The following day of work, the doctors said the stress from what happened caused it to start, but near the end of the day I had twisted around to see my co-worker and was in such severe pain I was throwing up and shaking. After keeping down a strong pain pill, I managed to finish the day and go home. That evening a friend that I also love dearly called me up and asked if I wanted to check out the downtown farmers market! Those that know me, of course I said yes! The pill was lasting through that but started to wear off in the grocery store to get the things we couldn't get at the market. I didnt know what was going on.

When pills wear off its not usually a gradual way, its like ... "nope okay times up, have fun" and again had an awful time vomiting and in pain. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. She is a nurse and I respect her so much and I was being so pathetic. She sat with me until I calmed down and helped me as much as she could, cancelling her evening plans. Eventually she convinced me to go to the emergency which she drove me in my car.

That place was stupid. There were like no people there and they literally forgot about us until someone came in and was like "oh you're still here" and then a doctor finally came in, asked questions and gave me nerve medicine. At this point we all still thought it was a back sprain or re-injury of my previous back injury. However, Joanne (nurse friend) thought it could be stones.

So after handing the WCB paper to my new employer after 3 days of work, they let me go lol. I kinda expected it. I spent the next few days looking for work online and dealing with my continual pain. 2 nights of no sleep will only make things worse ... trust me. After 4 hours of trying to sleep, walk off the pain, I finally give up and wake up my ex (which we have decided to still live together) to tell him I'm going to the hospital beside our house. He gets up and takes me instead (4am btw). We get there and a few people are waiting in the waiting room but its not too bad. They get me all done and give me the awkward cup for a urine sample. After a minute of waiting I decide to get the sample. Now I am not sure how long the other people were waiting but I heard the guy call me up while I was still in the bathroom (crazy fast!)

Again a bit more agonizing waiting as they process my sample. You can really tell when they had it finished though! Doctors came in and said I had Kidney stones .... YAY *sarcasm* And they start hooking me up to IV and get me in for a CT scan. I have 8 of the buggers and I am a farmer for them. Cause: I don't drink enough water and possible calcium deficiency.

Lesson learned: DRINK MORE WATER

After that a few more things happened and I also found out my Korean tutors mom passed this Thanksgiving weekend. It is also the anniversary of my sisters death this Thanksgiving weekend.

All in all, I feel like I am starting to get myself back. I am someone that gives my all in a relationship and I think I gave too much to make something work that maybe wasnt ment to be or not yet ment to be. Who knows.

My current goals are to start loving myself again, start this blog again, work more on my art and comic, and better myself. As I am now, I feel empty, lost and confused but also optimistic for the future.

Everyone deserves happiness. After this crazy month I hope something amazing will happen to counter all the bad.

Thanks for reading and love you all. <3

I also want to shout out my my amazing family (blood or not) who have been there for me through all this badness both emotionally and financially. You are all amazing and I love you. <3